Coreboot April Fools' Joke

From coreboot
Jump to: navigation, search

The wiki is being retired!

Documentation is now handled by the same processes we use for code: Add something to the Documentation/ directory in the coreboot repo, and it will be rendered to Contributions welcome!

This announcement of coreboot 4.1 was an April Fool's joke from 2009 (see the version number). It is completely unrelated to the real release of coreboot 4.1 in 2015. I hope you enjoyed it. -- Carl-Daniel

We're happy to announce that today coreboot v4.1 has been released.

Besides being totally redesigned, it is super-fast, handles almost every existing chipset, opens our codebase to contributors without lowlevel C skills and is generally something to be celebrated. Not to mention the environmental friendliness and promotion of world peace.

Features include, but are not limited to:

  • LARROMFS-NG, allowing code and configuration storage in the ROM without risking accidental reflashes. With its clean and simple design, you can store hundreds of different file types easily in the ROM, each of them being handled by a different plugin.
  • SQL-based chipset programming. Gone are the days where you had to differentiate between accessing PCI regs via struct device, u32 or device_t variants. Now you can use statements like:
SELECT val_32bit FROM pci WHERE buslocation="badc:0f:fe.e" AND configbytenumber=00;

or the even simpler

SELECT val_32bit FROM pci NATURAL JOIN configbytes WHERE buslocation="badc:0f:fe.e" AND configbytename="Vendor ID";

Changing PCI config space follows similar rules.

  • A SQL interpreter in coreboot which handles all chipset code. This SQL interpreter combines the clarity of obfuscated FORTH with the speed of unoptimized SQL.
  • Self-modifying code! As we all know, self-modifying code has less bugs because any given bug disappears after the code has been modified often enough. Plus, this is a good way to exercise CPUs to detect hardware problems more easily.
  • Fancy linker scripts. LARROMFS-NG is the next generation archiving solution for all our needs because it does not rely on inherently bug-prone C code. LARROMFS-NG is implemented as a really big and all-encompassing set of linker scripts which can even link new linkers together which reinterpret these linker scripts.
  • New plugin architecture. Coreboot v4.1 will faithfully execute any and all code presented on any device attached to the board. Due to that, trojanizing computers becomes a piece of cake, freeing up the precious time of the intelligence community for more pressing problems like world peace.
  • Multi-language error messages. Although chinese error messages were a bit difficult to store in 7-bit ASCII, we created a lossy compression scheme which will hardly ever insult users by accident.
  • An animated splash screen with sound. This was one of the most wanted features in the past, but coreboot was too fast for anyone to notice the splash screen. Now we have a mandatory delay of 20 seconds, enough for short movies and even some tacked on ads.
  • Ultra-secure Suspend-to-RAM (S3) for people worried of RAM readout (the "cold boot attacks" with frozen RAM). During every suspend cycle, coreboot completely wipes the RAM and will resume to a data-free system.
  • WORN technology. This is shorthand for Write Once, Read Never. Others practice that coding tradition by accident, but we have perfected it as an art.
  • Double use technology. Most people think of weapons when they hear this, but it's more simple and a lot more environmentally friendly. Your CPU will not only calculate stuff, coreboot can also switch off the fans on demand to make sure the CPU will fry your omelette exactly right.
  • Less-than-zero boot times. Ever had the problem that your boot took too long? We have the simple solution: Once coreboot is finished with initializing the hardware, it will set back your clock by 30 seconds. Even with the mandatory 20 second delay for splash movies, you can finish booting 9-10 seconds before you switched the machine on.
  • Real life impact. With a less-than-zero boot time, time goes effectively backward. If you assemble a big enough cluster of coreboot machines, you can undo the worst decisions of your life.

As you can see, coreboot v4.1 is the best thing since the invention of sliced bread. It even makes firmware veterans spin in their graves to act as human-powered electricity generators (a nice environmental plus).

To limit the impact on the real world (especially due to the time machine properties), this coreboot version will only be available for download this April 1st.

Sincerely, the coreboot team